An 1100-word excerpt from the first draft of "Stuck," my novel-in-progress

Ellie had Alex cornered. She demanded to know why he had come so close to her, then stopped when she had just wanted him to keep going. It wasn't usual for a girl to have to be so direct.

Alex paused for a minute, Ellie's head on his shoulder. He couldn't see her face, but he knew her stern expression. She wasn't letting this go.

"There was this girl, Phoebe," he said, finally caving in. "I met her at this summer writing workshop for gifted teenagers after I finished my sophomore year of high school. We were in the same group, so we spent plenty of time together and we hit it off so quickly. It was as if we'd been friends all our lives, Phoebe and I were inseparable. You couldn't get us apart with all the WD-40 in the world.

"We went home after a few weeks together and talked every single night, almost, either by phone or instant messaging. Sometimes we even wrote long love letters to each other, with X's and O's covering the final lines. We shared every secret and hope and dream and fear. Our plans. Our needs. Everything. She called me her giant teddy bear, that I was this big soft guy that always made her feel safe. It wasn't long before I said I loved her, and I meant it."

Alex paused, relishing the memory for a bit while Ellie grew impatient. "Well?" she prodded.

"And she said she loved me too," Alex rattled off, like he couldn't hold it in anymore. "I mean, my heart wasn't really beating anymore, it was more like it was just spraying blood through my body. Clocks stopped, the planet froze in place. I waited for her answer and then it came. She loved me too! I went crazy with joy inside, and we kept talking and it was so sweet.

"That next summer, we started off the program even closer than when we'd left off. We would walk from class to class together, but kept seeming to ignore it when I put out my hand for her to hold. When we'd watch TV together, she'd be close to me, but there was always this invisible wall between us. We were too close for just friends, but there was still some distance I couldn't explain.

"Four days in, I confronted her over it. We were sitting alone on one of the benches outside the dorm of the community college hosting us. It was night, and the stars were clear as ever. I needed to know why she said she loved me but still kept me at a certain distance. There was such a difference between what she was saying and what she was doing. I finished what I had to say, and I waited for her answer. She just stood there, so I went for broke. I tried to kiss her."

"What stopped you?" Ellie asked.

"Her eyes. Two inches away, I saw her eyes. They were wide open. Terror," he paused. "Phoebe was completely terrified of me, she was just shaking so hard. I pulled back, and she just burst into tears and ran. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the workshop."

There were two minutes of silence before Ellie her next question. Actually, several questions.

"Did you ever find out why?" she asked. "And what does this all have to do with you waiting till I said I had a crush on you before making your move?"

"Two weeks after we went home, she called me. Phoebe said she felt she needed to explain what had happened. "She started telling me about Jim. He was her best friend in junior high, the guy she could always count on. She went to him with all her problems, and he would always make her feel better."

"Kind of like how you were to her?" Ellie asked.

"Exactly like I was to her, Phoebe told me," Alex explained. "And that's what freaked her out."

"Why, what happened to him?" Ellie interrupted again.

"I'm getting to that, be patient," Alex said, and took her pause, as acknowledgment. "One day their freshman year of high school, Phoebe was hanging out with Jim at his house. He said he had a new CD downstairs in his room and wanted to show it to her. She followed him in there, but there wasn't a CD."

Alex felt a chill come over Ellie's skin. He knew that she knew where this was going.

"Jim turned down the lights, and he kissed her. She stopped him, and he told her he was in love with her. Phoebe said she wasn't ready for this sort of thing, and that Jim was just her friend. She apologized and turned to leave. Jim didn't let her."

Ellie gasped.

"Did he...?"

"Yes, he took her."

No one spoke for what seemed like enough time to wear out every clock in the apartment. Ellie broke the silence, seeking confirmation of what she suspected.

"So Phoebe, she thought you were like Jim, and was going to do something to her?" she asked.

"Pretty much."

"So how does that translate to you and me and all this dating difficulty? Why did it take you so damned long? Were you afraid I'd react the same way?" Ellie sat up and glared at Alex, but gently.

"Yeah, I was afraid it would hap..." Alex started to say.

"But why? I'm not Phoebe," Ellie lectured. "Neither are any of those other girls out there that you're so afraid of."

"Her eyes, that's why!" Alex howled, then restrained himself back to his soft, gentle self. His outburst didn't phase Ellie. "I keep remembering her eyes. She was so afraid of me, and I just can't handle it. She thought I was a monster, that I was going to hurt her, that I was capable of raping her.

"I just can't bear the thought of another person seeing me like that. That's what had me scared, that's why I couldn't make my move until I was sure you wanted me to.

"I can't stand the idea of making you or any woman afraid. It hits some button in my mind, it keeps me from really doing anything. I'm sorry, I just can't help it."

The bruises from Ellie's last boyfriend had since faded underneath her skin, but she hadn't forgotten one bit of what it's like to have a man beating her. She decided she had no problem with a man who couldn't bear the thought of harming her.

But there was one thing she was still curious about.

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes."