Bleeding in public again

I disabled comments on this blog for a reason, but I also have an email address and cellphone for a reason. Just don't reach any conclusions about me from the words below.

I dwell too much on death, I really do. Several of my friends can no doubt vouch for that, and are probably screaming "I told you so" at their computer screens this very moment. Some have already voiced concerns, others have kept quiet for they feared I would lash out at them. Hard.

Such fears are absolutely justifiable, and I'm just utterly ashamed of myself.

I've thought about things I shouldn't talk about, or even think about for that matter, but it's too late to go back now. That bridge has burned, its ashes have reached the ocean, and fish are eating them up like aquarium flakes.

All this time I've been trying to do the right thing, trying to help others and be the person I thought I should be; and I refused to listen to the people who tried to tell me I was taking the wrong path. I ignored the warning signs, and I let myself get pulled down to the very threshold of sanity.

I am completely disappointed with myself right now, and I wish I could express how sorry I am to all the people I know I've hurt despite what I thought were the best of intentions. There are so many things I thought I knew, so many things I completely screwed up.

And there are so many people I have hurt needlessly while they just kept quiet out of courtesy and I just kept steaming on because above all I'm an arrogant jackass.

If I die before I get the chance to... well, I just want them to know...

I'm sorry.

For everything.